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Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
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4:51 pm - BECK: Black Tambourine: Guero
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| Sunday, July 10th, 2005
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8:10 pm
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| Saturday, July 9th, 2005
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12:40 am - pictures. lots.
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another photopost.
it was a busy week.
first, there was the ( mortar war )
Miller and I keep going to this place called Noodlin' by his house. It's really amazing. After we found out he's not exactly dying, we went out to eat, and I got ( alphabet macaroni with edible glitter )
the next night, I went out to Holocene and saw ( Josiah )
and finally, I've been doing a lot of work on my room. We've painted, put up new curtains, and moved some stuff down. ( here are some pictures )
oh yeah, and while I was moving stuff down, I found ( these )
well, that was fun.
I really like living here. It feels good to have a family again. We had a suprise barbeque for Roy's birthday tonight. There's a lot of love in this house. I'm jealous of Roy and Alissa's relationship, but I can't say I'm jealous of the love in this house, because I have it. It's a good feeling.
in other news:
Mike Doughty is talking about moving to the Northwest. It would be a couple of years, so he says, but still. Yeah...
current mood:  okay
current music: brian eno - music for airports - 2-2
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(22 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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| Friday, July 8th, 2005
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11:16 am
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so, I've decided that I hate drinking. I never really liked it, but for some reason, I've thought it would be fun to drink almost every night since I got fired. I'm not really trying to escape anything, and I don't get trashed, I just think it will be more fun.
anyhow, I've decided that alcohol isn't so much a social lubricant, as it is, Kristen gets crazy and says stupid things sauce.
among the right company, I really enjoy myself, but those people are so select that it really means I wont be drinking at all. that's pretty much the way I was before.
I had a lot of fun last night. Alex and I went to Holocene and saw Josiah play. It was some last minute thing where they called him in because a band cancelled. I think there were only 15-20 of us there, but it was one of the best shows I've been to. Holocene is an amazing venue, and I'm really glad I finally made it there.
I think, while I was at the club, it was probably one of the best Thirsty Thursday's I've had, which is funny because I wasn't with any of the Thirsty Thursday people. I got to dance, and laugh with my friends. I got to be surrounded in Josiah's amazing music, and I really got to talk to him in depth after the show. Holocene also makes the most incredible whiskey sours ever. Fresh squeezed juice and incredible service.
in other news:
I think I talk way too much. I also think I don't really have anything figured out. I'm okay with that.
current mood:  retarded
current music: beauty and the geek on tivo
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(7 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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| Thursday, July 7th, 2005
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12:10 pm - drama
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wow. drama.
total bullshit.
I don't want to talk about other people anymore, with anyone. If you have a legitimate, genuine concern for a person, or some other valid reason for talking to me about someone, you go right ahead, but if you're just going to stir up trouble, or you're just doing it because you're fucking bored and dissatisfied with your life, I don't want to hear it.
I think nearly everyone in Vancouver has a huge problem. They've let their lives become stagnant, and because of that, they have nothing to talk about. You can't hold an intellectual debate about genetics, about social engineering, about current events, about anything but shit talk if a person doesn't care about furthering their brain power. I think everyone needs to get a mother fucking hobby and try talking about that.
I'm not just pointing a finger, either. I try not to join into these conversations, but sometimes, it does happen, and I really don't like it. It's probably the one thing about myself recently that irritates me the most about my own personality. Mainly because I'm not cut out for this shit. I'm a fairly amiable person, and I really like to understand people. There are a few people I have a great distaste for, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to go out and wreak havoc on their life, nor do I have any bit of real desire to do so. It's not even like I'm holding myself back. I just don't care. If you don't like someone, just don't fucking think about it. I think hatred is one of the most sincere types of flattery because someone else is wasting their goddamn time and energy being upset by you. I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy being upset.
Anyhow, I'm going to cut this bullshit out of my life. Anyone who tries to bring me into it, might just find themself cut out of my life too.
in other news:
I feel like I'm at a complete crossroad in my life. Everything is coming to this point where I'm left with all of these choices, all of these decisions. All of them centering around what I want, who I want to be, what's healthiest for myself. My heart screams out answers to some, my brain answers to others. Sometimes I just want to run. Sometimes I just want to throw caution to the wind and jump right in. Pretty words get thrown in with hateful, and it feels like my life is like static on a tv screen. Just a mess of different shades. It's okay, though. I'll figure out what to tune into in not too long.
current mood:  perplexed
current music: wilco - jesus, etc.
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(7 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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| Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
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5:19 pm
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1:36 am - when you haven't heard "I told you so" enough.
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everyone keeps telling me I deserve better...but I keep eating the shit that is shoveled down my throat.
I don't want to anymore.
my favorite holiday was just another day. another stupid day, full of stupid things. I did watch the fireworks from the top of Bradford's ice cream truck with Lana and Alex, though. it felt better not to be alone, but I'm sure I was just a little shit, anyhow.
last year was so much better. for so many reasons.
current music: the dandy warhols - you were the last high
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(don't cry in public)
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| Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
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5:04 am - over my dead body
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everyone always picks what's important to them in their lives. I think I put too much importance on relationships. To me, the people in my life are the most important thing. the relationships I develop with them, and the meaning they hold for me. it's probably because I was so lonely as a child.
it's just kind of funny. it takes precedence over nearly everything else in my life. including my own...which can be detrimental.
Alissa and I were really productive today. We moved some stuff down from Longview, shopped a whole hell of a lot, and I came out victorious...two pairs of amazing pants, and a new bra. They sized me, and I guess I've gained a size in the last few months.
I put the second coat of paint on my walls. We bought window shades for my room, and they're gorgeous. My room is so bold, and rich. It's amazing.
I spent a couple of hours with Brad and Lana. Brad and I laughed our asses off, and I saw the most amazing commercials. I was really excited about this one by Wendy's, until I realized that they were saying circles aren't cool, and that it's hip to be a square, when I was really just excited by the fact that the square couldn't party with the circles. We also saw a hilarious one for Parrot Bay rum that I've tried to find online, but can't. I was really tired when I left, and I was supposed to hang out with Fry, but my phone is dead, and the charger is lost in my closet somewhere. When I got home, I tried to find it, but I couldn't, and I brought my blanket down to the living room, because it's not dry enough to sleep in my room...and I found the laptop. I've been writing for the last three hours. It's really insane...or insanely calming. It's funny how I was really tired, and once I got the gears cranking, it just kept pouring out. My fingers move so fast across the keyboard, but never fast enough to catch up to my mind.
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: radiohead - go to sleep
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(don't cry in public)
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| Friday, July 1st, 2005
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10:32 pm - darling, darling, darling...
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you can't ever have the things you want in life if you're too fucking scared to take the first step. I swear I used to be more intelligent than this. I swear to fucking god that I used to actually go after the things I wanted. I didn't used to be such a fucking passive person. I'm so scared of losing the things I love that I don't even try. It doesn't fucking work that way. I can't seem to find a middle ground. I started not sharing my feelings because it chased a couple of people away. Now the opposite is causing problems. I can't ever seem to get it right.
I'm thinking a lot. I do that too much. I just don't really get the point. I think I'm partially insane. I have a lot of leftover issues that I try to get through, but some stuff doesn't just heal...even after years. I don't really know how to work through them, either. I think I'm doing pretty well for myself. I'm proud of myself for not being locked up in a mental institution. I also haven't really hurt any other people...at least not that I know of. I really do try and do the best for other people that I can.
I've been listening to Courtney Taylor-Taylor on repeat. the last time I saw the Dandies, they played the longest version of this song I've ever heard.
( genius )
work didn't call today. I've decided that if they do fire me, I'm going to write a book. It's about god damn time.
so I have a good question for all you bastards out there on the internet. if I were to write a book about my life, and they adapted it into a movie, who would you cast as me? and who would you cast as yourself (assuming you're significant enough of a role in my life to make it into the movie)?
current mood:  dead
current music: the dandy warhols - genius
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(21 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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10:56 am - meh.
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Josh's 21st birthday, ( a picture story )
I don't know why, but for some reason when I'm drunk I think it's a great idea to throw things and hit people. I really like hanging out with Josh, but I don't know that I really enjoy Thirsty Thursdays. The crowd is always really mixed, and this week I acted like a jackass. I guess that's what happens when you start drinking at 3 in the afternoon. Whatever.
Today I find out if I lost my job. I'm probably one of the most impatient people I know. It feels like my insides want to fall out.
current mood:  nauseated
current music: Foo Fighters - Times Like These
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(4 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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| Thursday, June 30th, 2005
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12:08 pm - you hated your freedom and envied the slaves...
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so, I might have lost my job. It was a simple mistake, but I did things all wrong. It's funny. You bust your ass for two years, have an almost perfectly clean record, and bam! One mistake. One.
I'm suspended for the rest of the week. I find out if I'm terminated on Friday. I'm taking my mother fucking Coffee Master apron with me. I busted my ass for that, and didn't get paid for any of the hours I worked on it.
I cried a lot yesterday. It's not that I'm scared about what's going to happen. I know I can easily get another job, and quickly. Probably a far less stressful one. It's just that this was what I wanted to do. It was my career choice, and I thought I was lucky to hit it right off the bat. I like all of the benefits I had, and the job security. I honestly thought there wasn't a way I could fuck up. Certainly not like this.
Now, I realize that this is probably a very good thing. I've been wasting my brain, wasting any talent I had and squandering it on a place that had effectively made me feel (for a while) that I was an imcompetent fool. If I do get fired, I will miss every one of my coworkers. I truly felt like I had another family there, in some people.
Bleh. At least I don't have to worry about not being able to really hang out for Josh's birthday and Thirsty Thursday...and I have the whole weekend off. And if I do get separated from the company, I have at least 40 hours in vacation time that they have to pay out, and $1500 in stock I can sell upon departure.
I'm gonna go get my mind off of things. Go swim in Miller's pool, and soak up the sun. Everything's going to be fine.
current mood:  cranky
current music: the listening - hosea in c minor
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(10 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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| Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
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2:42 am - you never know just how you look through other peoples eyes
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damn. I've got to stop this shit.
for the past two nights I've stayed up late into the evening reading old journal entries. I suppose I'm learning things from it. mostly it's just irritating. I realize how many rediculous choices I've made for myself. what a long road it's been to lead me here. how history repeats itself. for as much as I hold on to things that I love from the past, I sure do forget a lot, too.
I don't know, man. Life is weird. I've learned so much in the last two years.
current mood:  tired
current music: Butthole Surfers - Pepper
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(1 empowered and informed member of society | don't cry in public)
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| Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
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1:30 pm - throw 'em in the fire...
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what's everyone doing for the Fourth?
it's my favorite holiday ever, and since I don't have the house with a view anymore, I actually have to find something to do.
uhhh...aside from that...it was a good weekend. Cassie, Erik, Miller and I saw Land of the Dead. I really love zombie violence. especially zombies who stick their hands down peoples' throats and pull out organs!!!
I have another full week in front of me. I wish I had more time to do more things. There are people I'd like to see more of, and people I'd definitely like to see at all.
current mood:  busy
current music: Radiohead - Idioteque
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(9 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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| Sunday, June 26th, 2005
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12:03 am - picture time!
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| Friday, June 24th, 2005
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10:16 pm - men become boys again
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okay, okay, okay.
I had a couple drinks. I'm can't even remember what I was going to say earlier. Life is really fucking good right now. I think I was going to say something about that. about growing up and wanting stability or something like that. when I turned 21 and started really drinking with my older firiends, instead of just ocassionally drinking with them, I realized that most parents are probably lushes. I had no idea when I was little, and my dad was an alcoholic. that's fucking nuts. people are playing DDR downstairs. that makes me really happy. I kicked all of their asses. what's funny is, I'm not good at all...and I'm drunk.
I'm really blessed. I have the best friends in the entire world. I have my older, more situated friends. People with families, and marriages. Mortgages and settled debt. Real careers and established lives. I also have friends who are the funniest, most creative people I've ever met in my entire life. they never fail to make me laugh. they don't have debt because they don't have credit, yet. they don't have careers, and some of them don't really even have ideas for careers...but they'd be sucessful at anything they chose to do. either way, I get hugs...from fucking amazing people. I have my friends in bands, who write this beautiful music that makes my jaw drop, makes my ass shake, and makes my heart melt. they have these attitudes that don't compare to the rest of the world. not that they're better, just more intriguing, to me. I'd kill for half of their charisma, and when I'm around them, most times, I have it.
I'm ready to mellow out. I have all of the weird, fucked up stories a person needs. I dont mind making more, but I want a good, safe feeling surround those weird moments instead of a steady stream of fucked up memories. I want someone to hold me tight and tell me they love me, versus a good night where someone shoves me against a wall and makes my legs collapse underneath me. wait. no, actually, I want both at the same time.
I feel really pretty lately. it's like my change of attitude has changed everything in my life. it helps to have all of the things I have. it helps to have great friends, a loving home, a slightly better work environment, and a relationship that I'm increasingly more and more happy with.
I'm done talking out of my ass. I work at 4:30 in the morning. I think, tomorrow, I get to see one of my favorite people in the entire world. she's a fucking ray of sunshine, even in her cynicism...and one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met, to boot.
current mood: intoxicated
current music: minus the bear - hooray
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(4 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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4:19 pm - I drive too fast at night because accidents happen to other men, and not me...
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god. so much on my brain. so many things to write. so few words. so little time.
I need a better mastery of the English language, a few hours, a drink, and to write like I've never written before.
the past few days have been electric.
current mood:  rushed
current music: minus the bear - michio'a death drive
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(1 empowered and informed member of society | don't cry in public)
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| Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
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2:46 am - I could be your baby doll, I could be your doll, baby.
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blink once, rub your eyes. it's still there. blink twice. no. still there. time passes. still there. what happens when you can't wash the smell out? when you wake up the next day and everything comes rushing back through you?
the world is so perfect. so goddamn perfect.
I am so fucking happy in this moment.
earlier today, alissa wrote this:
So Kristen, Roy, Bandit and I are all sitting around watching tv and enjoying the internet. Well, Bandit isn't as interested now that we aren't watching animal planet....
It's nice, like one big happy family.
Sunday night, before I raced out to sleep in the biggest, most comfortable bed ever, an estranged friend and I sat around in my car and talked, listening to music. it reminded me of a thousand winter nights, bundled up in a warm coat, sharing stories, caring, cups of hot chocolate and doing your damndest to beat through the grey fog in front of you.
I like the way things are. I see a hand full of people in a week. my days are spread out with the people I care about. it doesn't seem like there's enough time to see everyone. I'm talking to all of the people that are important to me. my mom has a kitty she loves, I have my friends, my family, and more than that. so much more.
it's been so good since I got home.
goodnight, world.
current mood:  peaceful
current music: mike doughty - st. louise is listening (live)
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(don't cry in public)
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| Sunday, June 19th, 2005
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11:29 am - vomitting in the kitchen sink
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my mom's really sad and depressed now that the kids are gone, and Dempsey died...and this month is adopt a shelter cat month...and it was her birthday a couple of weeks ago...
so, welcome a new addition to my family.
she's Zoey 2, short for Zoloft. She's the antidepression kitty.
umm, outside of that, I'm really sick. I've spent the last two nights puking my guts up, and I have other ailments that are not fun, to be sure. I'm home, at last, and spending time down at Roy and Alissa's because they always make me feel better, even if I'm puking.
I want to see Batman Begins, and I really want to see Land of the Dead on Friday. I'm gonna make Miller see the first with me, and probably the second...but other people should go too. We should all go out and see it on Friday...because it will be sweet.
umm...and then I have these ( other pictures from my trip )
current mood:  sick
current music: minus the bear - pachuca sunrise
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(7 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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| Friday, June 17th, 2005
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11:42 pm - everything's going up.
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peasnerpantz: I think things are going to get better soon.
peasnerpantz: they're not really bad now.
peasnerpantz: I'm just kinda lost.
peasnerpantz: I've gotta pull my head out of my ass and just live.
peasnerpantz: that's all you can do.
bakerisyourgod: well i have good news
peasnerpantz: ??
bakerisyourgod: I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to geico
peasnerpantz: you're a total fag.
bakerisyourgod: and it's funny, because I actually did
peasnerpantz: hahaha
bakerisyourgod: $47 a month to be exact
peasnerpantz: okay, that's acceptable.
current mood:  optimistic
current music: soul coughing - the idiot kings
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(1 empowered and informed member of society | don't cry in public)
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8:54 pm - menos el oso
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do you know what it feels like to get prereleased material from one of your favorite artists?
( it's like getting off )
in other news:
my mom found a disposable camara I had left here last time I was up. I got the pictures developed today, and it was like opening a time capsule from last December. the pictures were all amazing memories from a time long gone. I had forgotten it all. strange.
current mood:  devious
current music: minus the bear - drilling
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(7 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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| Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
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6:49 pm - carbine bullets could settle the score
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hmm. I'm on vacation. I have the whole week off. I'm spending up in Port Ludlow with my mom. Today we went shopping in Port Townsend. It's this small, beach town. Everyone there is a hippie. They are fighting tooth and nail to make sure that Blockbuster doesn't infect their town. It's where we always have our family reunions because they have this old fort called Fort Hadlock, and they have ancient bunkers from when they thought the Germans were going to attack everyone. They're creepy as shit...there's no lighting, and they smell awful. They look like the type of place you'd take someone to torture them.
Anyhow, I love this rediculous town because it's beautiful. The houses are all built with incredible architecture, steeples and big porches. Scalloped shingles and wainscotting. The coastline stretches out for miles on both sides of the peninsula. You can see snow capped mountains miles away, and really, it's just fucking gorgeous. The nearest sizeable city is across a huge body of water, and you feel so far removed from "civilized" life. It's intense.
My mom and I bought a few things in the little boutiques. It made me feel really effeminite. I bought a beautiful Japanese purse, my mom bought me some earrings, I got her a bowl to keep her golf crap in that they imported from Indonesia, and she bought me these incredibly gorgeous silk placemats with amazing wood chopsticks to go with the Japanese plateware I bought last year. I don't think of myself as a materialistic person by nature, because I'm just as happy eating off of paper plates as fine china, but I'm fairly certain that if I had a lot of money, I'd have a really swanky home decorated to the nines in lush fabrics, hand blown glasses, gorgeous lighting, and just really incredibly colored things. I love texture and color, and lighting. Simple lines. I can't wait until I can finally have a place of my own. Haha, that's funny. Imagine me, domesticated. I think it would calm me down immensely. I really need more consistency and structure in my life.
Part of the joy of this vacation is that I'm taking my time to regroup, to strategize. In the last year I've really lost sight of all of my goals, of all of the things I really love. When I get home, I'm going to try and be more responsible. Take better care of myself, spend money more wisely, and work harder at getting promoted, getting a better car, getting a place of my own. I'm going to work on relationships, and mental stability. Exercise my brain more, not be so afraid of people. I've been lying to myself a lot lately, telling myself that I'm happy, and really believing it, but I'm not making the choices a happy well adjusted person makes. I know I'm not happy if the only color I see is grey everywhere I go. When I'm happy, everything is brighter, I laugh so much more, and I invest more of myself in the things I value. It's time to stop sheltering myself so much. It's summertime...it's time to swim and laugh, and go on spontaneous picnics. It's almost Fourth of July. My fucking favorite holiday. I can't wait. I can almost taste it.
Anyhow, I made pasta salad for dinner. I can almost taste that too...so I'm gonna go eat the shit out of it.
current mood: optimistic
current music: stephen malkmus - pink india
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(12 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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| Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
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12:36 am - pixelated
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| Friday, June 10th, 2005
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2:58 pm - the idealistic pragmatic
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I jumped the gun and spoke too soon. I apologize for broadcasting drama. For four years I've used this medium to vent my frustrations, thoughts, feelings, etc, etc. I just assumed the worst. It's easiest to do that when you've lived a life like mine.
I am grateful for all of the friends who expressed concern, all of the offers I got from people who wanted to take care of me. I am a very lucky person to have so many amazing people who care for me. You all have made my life worth living, and have helped me through the roughest spots in my life. I can attribute half of the fighter in me to the people who fight for me. Much love.
Sometimes I really don't understand what I have. I really had no idea this time. I was walking around with my head up fear's ass, and it's a tremendous ass at that. I feel like a retard...but because of it, things did get dumbed down, and I could see clearly. There is no reason to freak out, no matter what happens. I've wanted this for four years, and now I finally have it. I'm going to enjoy it, and stop freaking out.
Thank you.
current mood:  loved
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(6 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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1:28 am - thirsty thursday, bitch.
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aye.
drunkeness is a hand held scrambling down Delancy.
I am intoxicated. you don't envy me. I don't care.
JT says, "hi!". it's cute.
I caught up with friends. there are a lot more people in the world that I feel comfortable around than I thought.
people like listening to Jimmy Eat World. Sometimes I do, depending on the album.
I like Bleed American.
Jon likes throwing up.
I know people from Girl Scouts in third grade.
the world is circular.
common rotation.
even when I'm drunk, I don't make sense.
I miss you. you're soft in all the right places.
current mood:  drunk
current music: massive attack - tear drop
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(8 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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| Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
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5:19 am - all of the things I think and keep thinking
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wandering room to room, stray hair sticks to pillows, falls to the floor. it lingers in bath tubs, sinks, coats, hands. it's my signature. the mark I leave on a room after I've left it. thick, long, dark strands of dead cells. smoothed cuticles and split ends.
( I'm a total re-re )
edit -- 6.08.05 - 5:50PM:
a word to the wise: don't open your mouth too soon. jumping to conclusions is a bad idea, even if the mat from Office Space looked like fun.
current mood:  calm
current music: mike doughty - sunken-eyed girl
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(4 empowered and informed members of society | don't cry in public)
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peasnerpantz's journal
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